I have been married for almost 6 months now and I love being married to my husband, he’s awesome. The one thing that I have been struggling with and what I found most of my married friends also struggle with is the dearest mother-in-law (MIL), sjoe! After many discussions with friends I realise that everyone has a different experience and therefore different issues because families operate differently and sometimes culture also tends to have a role to play in dictating how you interact with your MIL. I think that the one thing that is in common for everyone is for you to get along with her.. easier said than done. In my culture, you must have a good relationship with your MIL in order for marriage to work and to last. The onus is on you as umakoti (the bride) to ensure that the relationship works regardless of how bad she may treat you or unhappy you are with certain things, no pressure hey?!
One of the problems I have is the aspect of forcing a relationship with this person that will work and believe me, you are literally forced. For example my mother-in-law expects me to call her ALL the time and sms her ALL the time but the problem is I have nothing to say to her because our relationship is still so new and it’s growing. Maybe I will do these things a year or two into my marriage but to immediately expect perfect kinship is something that I am not comfortable with but unfortunately she doesn’t understand this.. and as a result I fear I may end up resenting her *sigh*
I am the only girl at home and me and my mother are very close, we talk every day and the on thing I love about growing up and our relationship is that we are at a stage where she is my girl, I can confide in her about everything. My relationship with my mom though wasn’t always like this though, we worked very hard to get here and we have also been through as much. I think the difficulty for me is to now bestow the same honour of the title “mother” on another woman who can’t possible come anywhere close to my own mother. I have realised though that she will never measure up to my mother regardless of what culture dictates and we just need to find some sort of middle ground where we are both comfortable within the relationship or for those that have it worse, at least tolerate each other.
It’s tough out here!
This is such a senstive subject especially for Zulu people. Older generations believe you need to “suck up” to your MIL in order for her to like you. And the onus is placed solely on you to make that relationship work.
I – like you – have a hard time forcing a close relationship with my MIL. We come from diiferent times and different ways. I grew up more liberally and she’s still more conservative, traditional. I’m finding it difficult to adjust to their expectation of who I should be and how I should act. This in turn makes me avoid visiting her and the family. I feel, I can’t be myself around them and this frustrates me. I don’t know how to be something I’m not.
And the one thing that makes it harder is the pretense of me being “like their daughter” then treated differently from the rest of her children. So having a mother-daughter relationship is going to be hard.
I’m also not the call everyday girl. I’m not affectionate in that manner.
But Phume, don’t try and compare your mom to your MIL. And don’t try to make a relationship with the MIL like your mom’s. Work towards an independent relationship with her. Take it slow…
You and I are on the same page, you get me!!! Thanks Noma, I will try, it’s so hard but I will try.